A Middle Finger To The Sky

What if heaven and hell were just some plots to sell a book? What if Shakespeare was right when he said only our thinking makes things right or wrong? What if God and Satan are in all of us. If the only thing logical about the belief in God is it’s illogicality, what should makes us think life is not meaningless? I’m sure if I was asked, I wouldn’t have accepted to come, yet I don’t want to get old or die? God, can you hear me? Am I praying amiss?

The only way God can make me believe in him is if he shows me he accepts creation was a failed experiment. I used to think I had the greatest problems on earth. But God, even those who seem prettier seem to have greater dirt. The world is – come on – what the fuck has this world turned into? What does it mean to be a man? What are the benefits of being good? Who really cares? Why should they even care? Sometimes, I wish I could just fizzle out of existence, with no body having a memory of me? Most times, I wish I could make the world a better place – but who has? Think well before you answer the question.

I think I may be depressed. Who am I kidding – I am. I’m not sure if I love or hate my dad but I’m sure I don’t want to see him ever again. I don’t even like thinking about him. I feel I should do more for my mom – but then, I wish she expects less from me. They say no one is perfect – but how is that an excuse for fucking up? How can one not fuck up? The most devilish of people I know, know the bible and Koran more than you and I. How can a man who turned kids fatherless, personalized public funds, slept with more women than history could record and was hardly there for his kids be the man after God’s heart. Oh! You think David was better than the greatest terrorist you know? So, on what ground can you preach righteousness to me? But then it hurts me when I make a girl cry. It hurts me when my mom complains of how less I call her. It hurts me when my younger sister couldn’t say how bad she felt when I forgot her birthday. It hurts me when I couldn’t take care of what’s left under my care. It hurts when I goof around and people smile just coz beyond being nice, they want me to find them nice. I’m in my 20s and most times I just can’t figure out what the heck I am doing. Am I alone in my feelings? Or do others feel the same way?

I could still remember growing up. I was called a future leader. In fact, I attended Future Leaders Nursery School. My country is the kind that wants to shit on anyone who tries lighting her. I’ve seen too many American movies – I want my grandson to be born in the moon. My mates are busy, learning how to lick arses. They say I should wake up and accept that I can’t change a thing. But what’s the reason for my birth if I can’t leave an imprint? You think that is the toughest question? What do you think killed our Michael Jackson? Christians couldn’t stand having him grow more popular than Jesus. And when the pain from the struggle goes too deep that you need something out of yourself to hold it down – the healing only brings more pains. So, like good Will Hunting, I’m trying to understand what this really means. If Nigeria becomes the world power today, what would the black man gain from having a white man take him as the white man once took him? What does a better life mean? What is so good about growing up that we celebrate birthdays? And why should anyone ever get crazy enough to think that way?

What if God is not what you think he is? You really believe Pharaoh was evil because he held the children of God in captive? You think what made Osama a terrorist has anything to do with 911? Come on, do you know what America has done to Middle East? Oh! They Arabic, so we should cast them to hell? Hey! Tell me why you think that tribal war was not justified – because your people lost? So, what the heck is right or wrong? What makes the next person’s life better or worse? Why do we feel someone is beneath or below us? What makes the next person wrong – because he doesn’t bow to my wishes? Why am I a Christian? What other reason do I need – that’s the only religion I know enough about. What if God doesn’t exist? What if he is either good or bad. What if devil was just something injected into your brain? What if you are the devil? What if you are a god? How possible is it to be accurate about how the world came to be? What if the world is just the way it is and it’s meaning lies in its meaninglessness? What if God is meaningless just like his creation – would you still worship him?