To The Wifey Yet To Come: If I Ever Have To Call

  

Do you know why I don’t think about you? I hope you’re smart enough to know that’s a lie. Now, lemme tell you why I don’t worry about you; if you’re not worth the ring; you’ll never get it.

First of all, I need to make this clear to you; there is never going to be a white wedding; I’m not white and I don’t like religious houses. And we must have had thons of sex before the marriage, so, why would you put on some loin that symbolises virginity and purity when you aint a virgin? I would never comprehend what ‘Purity’ means in that context. The white wouldn’t only ridicule an age long tradition, it would also ridicule one of our best connections. Let’s not forget what that would say of my manhood. Chukwu aju! God forbid! If you’d want the wedding that bad, we could have a red wedding. Or a black one. You’d put on a spectacular red or black and chose a colour for me. I think that would be interesting. If OC Ukeje could use a lady for his best man, ain’t it high time every Nigerian became innovative about weddings and marriages? And we could even fly to the moon or Sambisa forest for the wedding.

If by now, you’ve not started getting the feel that I’m crazy, congrats, you’ve passed the first faze of exchanging rings with me. Hahaha! You bought that? Only a mad person would find me sane. I would need you to be sane enough to see that I’m crazy but lovely enough to tell me that with some glint in your eyes… Come on, that’s not asking for too much; is it?

Now, lemme tell you what it is to marry a man like me. I’m the kind of guy who would take the time to take a short class on catering with you so I would be more useful in our kitchen. But I’m not the kind who would always be there to eat with you. Sometimes, I may prefer to eat in the rest-room; alone. Yeah! I’ll change once I meet you… If that makes you smile; keep believing it.

I’m not the kind of guy who could take a wife whose time is owned by someone aside herself, her family, friends and dreams. If you are not smart enough to believe in your dreams and live it to the fullest, find someone who would be cool with ‘My boss said’ or ‘My boss kept me waiting’. I may take it the first couple of months we meet but if after years of meeting me, it hasn’t turned to ‘The presentation lasted longer than I expected’ or ‘I had to supervise my employees as they rounded off the project’, that means you don’t listen to me. And I would never be crazy enough to marry someone who I waste words on… I love self-made ladies, I love ladies who don’t accept being shrinked by men or the society. I love ladies whose dreams are beyond getting married, making babies and taking whatever job luck drags reluctantly to their face. I love ladies who I could talk business with and be sure they understand me coz they have theirs’. 

I love pretty ladies as much as my friend; Femd loves girls with ‘K’ leg; whatever he sees in those awesome legs. I think it has something to do with the way the legs accentuate the waist curves. Yeah! But beyond pretty, I like girls who I don’t have to tell who Picasso is or have to explain Shakespearean quotes to. I love girls who sometimes ask me questions that would take me more than an hour to answer. So, you could be prettier than Genevieve or sexier than Beyonce, if you’re gullible enough to accept whatever I say, we can’t make a couple. Coz as much as I hate hearing ‘No’, I would always love you more each time I discover I was wrong.

  

I’m not a porn star. I don’t expect you to be one. And I don’t expect you to fuck like one. But I like girls who are shameless about their sexuality, girls who know what they want in bed and could go the extra mile to get it from their man coz I too would go the extra mile to give you something better than the fake groans in porn clips. And if you can’t experiment, better not rip my zip off… My prick needs as much drama as it could get. As long as I don’t get wiped or have to bleed in the process. Chai! Some people nasty sha…

If I’ve ever regretted not dating a girl who was in love with me; whatever that means, its only once. Everyone who knows me knows I’m not the type who regrets. This is why I have that regret; she was the only one who never took shit from me during my depressed days. She would literally ask me ‘Ebuka, you wan make I come dey pity you?’. More than any other person; she made me grow. She made me stop whimpering. She made me think like a man even when I was pretty much; a boy. Dear Sun, I don’t expect you to tell me I deserved an award I lost out in. I would prefer being told I should stop worrying about it and move on to the next project. If you’d need pity while down, I’ll take up an acting course just to make sure I always give you that. But for me, tell me ‘Fuck you’ and mean it when you say it. And say it with the world’s Most Over-Flogged word; ‘Love’…

Babe, I hope someone is dating you right now. If not, quickly drop whatever you’re reading this with, make up, wear a smile, call up your friends, go to a bar and have a nice time. And make sure you ignore any jerk who shows up and offers to buy you a drink. Go with the cocky fellow who shows up and sips from a shot you have on the table. If there’s any time to start getting prepared for cocky people like me, now is all you have. I’ve already started preparing how to treat people like you more than well and whatever it takes, I’d give my best to do more than treat you well. Abeg, no come carry me learn ooo…

I’m a vulgar dude; at least some people say. I’m not even sure I know what vulgar means, but I’m the kind of mudafucker who likes saying ‘shit’ when not talking about shit. I’m the sort of crack-head who could shout ‘Fuck!’ while watching a video clips that has nothing to do with the heavenly act. You may have to accept that or be smart enough to cure me of it without being pushy. But I’ll love you more when your response to my ‘Fuck you’ is ‘Fuck you too!’. And make sure your voice sounds louder than mine and horny too. Lol!

I don’t know the religion I’d be practising when we’d meet. Unless Jesus does to me what he did to Saul who later became Paul, I may still be Agnostics, a part of the New Age Movement, a Buddhist or a Traditional Worshipper. You could be whatever you wanna be; as long as you don’t wake me up in the morning to join your morning prayers, ask me to contribute to your church projects, tell me ‘Jesus loves me’ or insist my kids pray before they eat. I wouldn’t call you stupid for believing in whatever you may wanna believe; but I wouldn’t take it when you make a fuss about your or mine religion. Our kids would be taught to trust their beliefs. If they wanna practise your’s, it wouldn’t be my business. Personally, I think religion is a personal issue; everyone is fashioned to believe in something. Whatever that is, demands some respect. And respect, I would always give you. And if we respect ourselves well enough, we may end up starting up a religious group ‘Respect’; based on the theory ‘If you respect yourself; you’ll have enough respect to Respect others which is a true show of Self-respect…’ Wait… Won’t that be awesome?

Pre-nup! Yeah! Yeah! Why sign that shit if you really love your spouse? Why not sign it; does it in anyway affect the love? I know this sounds crazy, but… Love, like every other thing dies. Its always a matter of how soon and what people hold onto in marriage when that happens. If there’s anything I fear in marriage; its divorce. But I’m scared of marginalisation; so I try to learn and have faith in my own thoughts. If we really love each other; we shouldn’t be bothered about how much of each other we end up sucking up when break-up storms. In case it does, its only fair we leave with what we came in with. Oh! Shit! I’m sounding like a bastard right now. Its better I do now than having to endure a marriage because of the fear of the financial worth of what I’d lose when lawyers decide to make profits off our pains. Its better I do; if that would make your conscience free when you decides its over between us. Fuck! I don’t pray for it. Its a nightmare and my hand quakes as I type this. But the world is more fucked up than my brain. Or so, I tell myself.
What else…? Definitely, you’d be a mother. Definitely, you’d be a wife. Definitely, we would see our bests and our worsts. You may be from anywhere. Even outta space would be a thrill. But I would need you to be African. I don’t mean by blood but by spirit. If you’re Asian, I wouldn’t mind being Asian. I mean, is that not marriage is all about; giving to each other what you want to be given.
What else…? I think its pretty much all I have for now. Please do laugh when you read this. Wait… Not yet. Share the message across first; you may not be the one afterall… Who am I kidding? Just try as much as you can not to be my wife. Its a call to be… You fill the gap…

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14 thoughts on “To The Wifey Yet To Come: If I Ever Have To Call

  1. Resisting the temptation to match this ridiculousness is a tough one *whew* but this is hilarious and insane…good luck finding this one man. (crazy,schizo kind of intelligence ,african,female???) she must exist somewhere.

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    1. Lol! Nothing is impossible, bro; at least I learnt that much from the bible. I’m not an everyday guy so I can’t settle for the everyday girl. A million thanks for sharing your thoughts on that, Syd. Pls, don’t sell fish; share the post on your timeline… #PEACE#

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  2. Now, you didn’t add that I have to be bribed to accept her if she didn’t meet my standards for who your wifey should be. I am sure you know that I know that which you want that you do not know that you want. Nice piece, good flow. I refuse to mention the typos…Lol

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  3. It took a lot of convincing for me to leave my law books to read this shit,” the musings of a mad man” but every line was worth the candle. I used to think I was mad but now I know Ebuka Njoku is madness itself.. Kip it up bro, mad people change the world… Back to my law books. Do well to send more links..

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  4. Swear down wen I saw d headline I know wat its all abt but still I wanna to go tru its,its crazy and to say d truth dear u re going gaga but gud piece of shits and jst for the record there is no such tin as red or black wedding I pray u get dat kind of a lady and if u do den the both of u have gone bananas lolz gud stuff dear

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  5. Life is all about belief , what u believe in will work for u. Lets wait nd see d industrious and ideal perfect future wife . Michael remember that a lady cannot be perfect in all ramifications….

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    1. LOL… I kinda got tired of hearing ladies talk about their dream man so I started thinking of my dream woman. I’m not looking for perfect, I mean, I’m far from perfect. I’m just hoping for a fair match. Thanks for reading. I wouldn’t mind if you share your own beliefs here too; its really what life is about; beliefs…

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  6. I didn’t believe that such a person exists, I am an African, both biologically and also in spirit, I love my Africaness if that is a word. I aspire to be a gnostic, or better do my traditional religion if I can’t stay out of a religion. I am a woman who adores femininity. And I would love nothing more than have someone like my husband in the kitchen with me. Where you end up eating your food doesn’t matter, but seriously Ebuka, in the toilet? Well I hate christian weddings or as they call it, white weddings – which I think is signifying something- white!!
    I share my view with my friends and they ask me “who would marry you?” It seemed to me like there was no man who thought as I did out there. But sewing this you write up is gladdening. I had decided that I would not aspire to marriage, but “to make it”. But then if marriage comes, I may give in. Thank you Ebuka for making me believe there is someone out there for me.

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    1. Hehehehe! I once met a female Nigerian atheist who believed agnosticism is a religion for those too scared to accept they are atheists. It was a thrill. But a lot of people hold that belief as much as other beliefs. I do believe that if the universe could be insane enough to let you have a desire, it would be sane enough to place the desired somewhere close to your reach. The problem is, we either hardly own up to our desires or stretch enough for them. I may not get all in the lady when the time comes but I’m sure the compromise won’t be drastic. You may not get all in your own man but you’d definitely get one that’s worth the wishes. And who even says marriage is mandatory? I’m up for whatever makes me happy; what others think of it is just what others think of it.
      On the restroom part… Never try brainstorming in a bathtub with a cup of coffee or bottle of beer; otherwise you’ll end up turning it into your work-from-home work space… It usually ends up with you wiring up the restroom or getting a very long extension.

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  7. It’s kind of unlocking the tap… watch the water rushes into your bucket. Satisfied, that this incredible thoughts of a man about his future wifey is worth fetching a thousand buckets of water.

    Success in finding the right woman. I hope she is reading and smiling wherever she is even outta space…. that would be a thrill.

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  8. Ebuka, I know marriage is not mandatory, and I am not working for it, it’s something that may come or may not come, either ways, I’ll be fine. But believe me, I can’t tell mummy Ogoo that. You know what she will be ranting on my head? “I know the men are coming, it’s you who would never give them a chance”. I would not want to hear that every morning.

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  9. Ebuka, I know marriage is not mandatory, and I am not working for it, it’s something that may come or may not come, either ways, I’ll be fine. But believe me, I can’t tell mummy Ogoo that. You know what she will be ranting on my head? “I know the men are coming, it’s you who would never give them a chance”. I would not want to hear that every morning. Then about the restroom thing, I shall try it. It would be a nice innovation if every body makes their restroom their office… I tickle.

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