The Ultimate Ekpere
If I were you, guess what I would be doing right now; praying I don’t end up being my son.
Don’t laugh. I’m serious, don’t laugh. I’m your father, I’m being serious here.
This is why you really need that prayer. I’m never going to be a regular dad. You know those kind of fathers you see in movies? Or the kind you read of in great novels? Or the ones you hear of or see when you look at our relatives? I’m going to be far away from those. The fact is, I’m not sure I want to have you. Another fact is, I’m not even sure I’m going to be there to watch you grow. I’m a lousy human being. And I pray I never get stupid enough to meet your mom. Wipe off the ‘stupid’. Replace it with ‘mad’.
I’m lousy. I’m not going to be the kind of dad who would advice you not to take beer. I’m the kind who would want to offer you your first bottle. If it’s in Nigeria, I would make sure it’s Heineken or some beer I produce if I end up making my palm-wine investment. And I would make sure I watch it go down your throat. I would make sure your mom won’t be around to tell you it’s enough when you go past a bottle. I love freedom, I would let you take as many as you want. Unless of course you get high enough to insult me or talk shits. Well, I’ll figure out what to do if that happens. For now, I’m only interested in the toast.
I want to be the first to buy you CD. I’m sure there must be a fancier word for condom by the time you are old enough to use one. When I say old, I mean, the first time I catch you looking lustfully at a lady, be it your mother or auntie. Well, if it happens to be either of them, I would definitely ask her whose son you are.
I don’t want to only give you condom when you’re ready to use it. I would also gilt the gift with lots of pep talks on how to nail it perfectly. Sex is heavenly, I don’t know why some holy books opine we should shun it and still promise us heaven. I mean, what could be lovelier? Masturbation? Shit! I hope I never catch you jerking off to nude models in x magazines or some porn. It’s nasty enough they show that in movies. Fuck!
Another thing though, never get yourself sex starved enough to need a prostitute. I would rather have a PUA son than a Bill Gate who spends his money on prostitutes. A man should have enough sugar on his lips to get the girl he wants. If I need to cancel all my engagements to teach you, I would. Look at me, what am I feeling like now; a Venusian artist? Thank you Style and Mystery. Don’t ask me who those are. Ask your best pal, Google.
But remember son, candy is very sweet, yet it can ruin your teeth and or fuck you belly. I think I’ve tasted enough beer and pussies to know they are not as sleek as painted in movies.
Sometimes after drinking, you end up trying to calculate your steps; walking like a jack-ass in the process. Sometimes, you’re rewarded with throw-ups, nausea, head-ache and the grand father of them all; hang-over. And if your past wants to punish you, you may end up dialing a number you should have erased off your phone a long time ago. You really don’t want me to tell you how that usually ends.
And the other one…
Yeah, you watch her moan. Yeah, you feel your way to heaven when your banana (by the way, whoever generated that metaphor must be a genius) flows in and out of her narrow path. Yeah, you feel way past the skies when the sperm turn your prick into some nodding lizard after which the white soapy shit makes a blast or settle down at the tail end of the cd. Yeah, it’s a good feeling watching her smile. Yeah, you could call yourself a king when she pecks you after the blissful deed. What feeling surpasses nailing a girl aside the feeling of nailing the nailing right. Yet, an honest man would give you the list of what he’s lost either in the pursuit or as the result of a precious lay.
Tonight, I did something I’m not proud of. I would tell you if you care to know. And I hope you’d keep my secret. I would keep yours. I bet you’re smart enough not to trust a writer on that. Here is the lesson I learnt today, never lie to a lady about your feelings for her. If you don’t love her, tell her outright that you only want to bang her pussy. I think your school teacher is an idiot if he calls that vagina. A boring one for that matter. A lie you tell today would need another lie to stand tomorrow’s wave. You know how scientists say it, ‘Technology feeds off technology’. Well, lie posses similar attribute. Be candid, son. I know I’m a bad-ass liar. Well, it’s part of my profession. And unless you want to end up like me, please avoid that cunny bastard. You’d be respected for being honest. Bet me, I’ve fucked up enough to know how bitchy karma is.
On the other hand, son, when you’re left at that point when lie is the only way out of a mess. First of all, be sure it’s the only way out. On discovering that, please don’t be an arsehole; lie… And the lie better be as great as what your father gives.
One more thing…
… I’m cudgeling my brain right now… I think I’ve forgotten the last bit of the advice. Hey! Did I see you shake your head in pity? Or did you just roll your eyes at me? Bet me, you would forget if you’ve ever taken what I’ve taken today.
Right now son, I only want you to remember the great prayer. I forgot to say it before I was born. Please, watch out for your father. And when he asks you never to follow his footsteps…